Dads Need Support Too: Breaking Stigma

Last month, we celebrated our son’s birthday with a party at our local park district. Being that most of my son’s guests had special needs and needed a bit of oversight, quite a few parents stayed for the festivities. I met a father who attended with his son. As he and I chatted, I learned that he is a single dad, widowed just a few years ago. He talked openly about how difficult his journey was and asked if I knew of any support groups that he might explore.  

The next day, I started writing an email to this dad, planning to cut and paste links to the several groups that I thought he might find helpful.  As I was going through my list, I realized how most of them were really mom’s groups – even when “Moms of” wasn’t part of the group’s name. There are countless blogs and Facebook pages, some authored by mothers, featuring their child and his or her journey.  As a fellow mom, I took the mom-perspective groups for granted – mothers seem to have a natural built-in support network.  For dads, not only are there far fewer support groups responding to their specific needs, but they are harder to find and tap into.

I know this lack of support contributes to an already isolating journey that all of us special needs parents and siblings feel. Our culture still assumes that fathers are less involved in their child’s care; less knowledgeable about school, education plans, and care plans; more involved with work or is the breadwinner; therefore, less impacted by the grief and stress that surrounds a disability diagnosis and raising a child with special needs. The assumptions that are made about fathers are dangerous. The truth is, the journey of a special needs parent is different for every mother and father, just as each of our children are unique despite shared diagnoses.  Research studies consistently confirm that fathers are deeply affected and suffer from depression at higher rates than fathers of typical children. And this is before we throw in the impact of being a single parent.

Like it or not, society has not yet embraced expressions of vulnerability; the stigma of asking for help or managing emotional needs remains real. Yet the need to feel connection, belonging and support is a fundamental human need – for mothers and fathers in equal measure. Support groups provide an understanding community that you can rely on in challenging times.

To all the fathers – our team sees you, day in and day out, as you plan for your child’s secure future. I hope that everyone reading this reaches out to dads they know either to share this article and the resources listed, or to acknowledge their different path by asking how they and their child are doing. Listen. Remind them of the fantastic job they are doing.